Adventures of a Spoonie

Like the old saying goes, “we are all a work in progress.” 

This statement rings true to me every once in a while when I don’t understand what’s happening or how I’m supposed to feel in a certain situation. I think these feelings never truly go away. We can be happy. Sad. Angry. Joyful. Annoyed. And that shows that we are all still growing to become what we inspire to be. It is perfectly fine to be unsure of the future. It’s fine to worry about what comes next. That’s what I’m dealing with. I’ve been sitting st home twiddling my thumbs about what I should be doing in this next chapter of my life. The worry and anxiety manifested into an ulcer ( thank you, BD!). I’ve decided to keep my sanity by starting this blog in hopes it teaches others who need help or are dealing with chronic conditions. I am making the leap to see a therapist and begin the process of truly healing my soul and anxieties about the future. I am and will always be a work in progress. And that’s okay. 

I absolutely hate having to use medicine for any little annoyance. One for this pain. One for that pain. Another to help depression. One more for anxiety. The list goes on and on. I’m so very grateful to be able to afford the luxury of having medication when I need it, I just wish it were simpler sometimes. I don’t want to have to rely on meds to make me feel better, but I do because I don’t want to be in pain. 

Do you ever have self-doubt? Like you don’t know how you’re going to accomplish everything you have to do in a day? Add a chronic, debilitating illness and that’s how I’m feeling today.

I feel as though I have some mysterious black cloud hanging over me.

I don’t know what my next step in life is. I feel like I have no direction. I am one class away from being finished with undergrad. I know that BD (or any sort of chronic illness) can be so unpredictable and when you don’t know how your body is feeling Day-to-day, it’s hard to feel certain of a future when you don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

This is my heart and soul- breaking out of nothingness.

This is me having a bad day. Not a bad life. But, something is in me that I can’t shake. This uncertainty of what comes next.

The month of May brings many things. It is the month where we celebrate and cherish our mothers. It is also the month of Behcets  Disease Awareness Day, which falls on May 20. (Behcet’s Disease is a form of vasculitis that affects any part of the body with blood flow).

My mom is my best friend, my biggest supporter, and was the ringleader in getting me a proper diagnosis when I was fifteen. As my mom watched me struggle with the pain and fatigue that comes with chronic autoimmune illnesses, she has stated “I wish it were me in pain instead of you” followed by “I wish I could take your pain away.” I needed to hear those words to validate how awful I felt. It crushed me to think that my beautiful, strong mother would put herself in my place to take my pain away. How did I cope with her words? I tried to brush it off. I would never wish pain on anyone, let alone my best friend. I know she was trying to comfort me, which did for a moment, but it only made me realize how much healing power a mother’s love can encourage someone who’s feeling down. She hates to see me hurt, and now I understand she would do anything to trade places with me. It makes my feelings and worries seem real. Mothers , thank you for listening when your children say they are not well. Thank you for being the one to fight for them when they may be voiceless or scared. Thank you for loving us.